Stories 101

Of undying love and youth feels

I had this dream last Saturday – the first tragic dream that I had that I liked.

A friend of mine was really sick. She’s fighting with death really hard. People around us wanted me to come to the hospital to visit her. They said she wanted to see me. But inside me, there’s this big thoughts of fear and uncertainty. Like I haven’t been able to meet her for so long, that I’ve been ignoring her for years and to see her with that state will be like a stab in my heart. My fear won. I stayed at home while I saw her getting carried away from the hospital because at some point she got a little bit better. I was carrying a book in my hand while watching all the scenarios unfold. Her mom gave it to me, saying that since she’s too sick to continue her study, she’s passing it to me to finish. I’m not really sure what the book is all about but I think it contains all the research and notes and stuffs that she did about a certain topic which wasn’t really clear till I woke up.

I went to the library of some kind to do the reading and self-research. It feels good by the way – to go back reading. To go back studying. Then after reading the first chapter, I went out and I walked on some kind of plaza. Then there’s this elevated road where on the stairs, two guys where chatting and I ran to them. I gave the standing guy a quick hug but when I turn to the guy sitting on the stair steps I gave him a super super tight hug. It feels warm. It feels warm to hug someone again. Then I asked him to hug me as much as he want because I know he’s been missing this kind of hug. He hugged me one more time. This guy by the way is the boyfriend of my sick friend. I told him that he looks like he lost a lot of weight. The guy was introduced in the dream as a very loyal boyfriend and he’s always been on her side to comfort her. But he looks really sad and lonely and at just one glance you can tell that he’s on the very edge of crying and he definitely miss her.

He noticed the book on my hand and he knew in an instant that it was his girlfriend’s. He told me that she really wanted me to have it. He had a book on his hand by the way because he was studying the matter too. He wanted to understand what his girlfriend wanted to find out about her study. He wanted to help her finish it so that all her efforts won’t go to vain.We ended up explaining the research stuff to the other guy.

I was so devastated the moment I woke up because it was so depressing. I took some moment to reassess the dream and it’s actually very heartwarming. It’s really good to see through someone whose love can conquer deaths. I mean it was evident that the guy really love the girl and even if I don’t have a boyfriend/lovelife in my dream it was really good to just have a faith on other people’s love. The scenario where I ran to them, unexpectedly bumping people in a familiar place makes me miss having circle of friends. I miss high school and youth. I miss going around in a place where you can easily bump into someone you know and chat and laugh about random stuffs. I miss having friends.

Personal Rants

Redemption

I felt so alive last night, literally.

I went home early – 8:30 I guess. It’s too early knowing I won’t have any important things to do and I know I will just end up in my bed reading an e-book. I mean it’s fun but kinda sad. So for a little change I decided to stay again at McDonalds. I still did read but the environment is way too far from my bed. The coffee is my friend and my company. Plus I got this good spot where when it was already 11 pm they close the area behind me and from that angle I can see all the people coming in and out of McDonalds. And it feels so good to see this unfamiliar people – watching them open and close their mouth but I can’t hear a thing. It’s like watching a silent movie. And it’s so great I ended up staying till almost 2 am.

It’s actually refreshing and weird and satisfying to know your coffee isn’t backstabbing you because you really can’t feel sleepiness. I’m full awake at 2 a.m. just watching people come and go with an earphone pack in my ears. The music banging on the background and after I finished reading All The Bright Places I had this opportunity to just listen to all the music I like and I feel so free and accomplished.

Well honestly at the end of the day though (or early in the morning like 4), I was staring at the ceiling while I lay in my bed finally home, I felt this guilt wrapping in my thoughts. I don’t know if it’s the caffeine but my heart feels so scared like I did drugs or had s** with someone. I don’t wanna feel guilty because honestly the freedom makes me happy and I don’t want to feel guilty just because I’m happy. I ended up thinking about my “own personal redemption”. The thing that I’m most scared of. The thing that keeps coming back. My personal forgiveness. When can I forgive myself? I want other people to forgive me. To say that I’ve been forgiven. That it didn’t matter anymore. That it’s okay now. It’s okay. That night I’m in search of my own redemption, of forgiving myself.

I fall asleep at 4:30 a.m. My head numbs, the music no longer banging but my thoughts are. But it’s okay. My heart feels so alive like every beat counts.

-July 21, 2017

Personal Rants

A tall man standing outside his car sigh loud enough to hear by the woman almost running at the sight of him. He sigh loud enough to say she was late but it was okay because it was meant to be funny. He was always funny and he was hoping she would laugh. One of his hand was on the car and the other one was resting on his hips. His posture signifies boldness and strength.

The girl on the other hand came¬†running. She was¬†smiling with full anticipation because she gets the joke and it makes her laugh. She stopped¬†abruptly in front of him¬†almost jumping. She reached for his black shades, removed it and gave¬†him a slight kiss on his lips. “You look handsome!”

“Thank you! Took me half a day to pick this black suit¬†just for you.” He kissed her the way she kissed him. Slight and quick. And he hugged her. He opened the door for her and a moment later they were off to the road. “I’m picking Lucas tomorrow afternoon. Do you want to come?”

It took her a while before she gets to reply. “Honestly, Lucas asked me if it would be okay if we grab some coffee after? Just us. Would it be okay? ”

He pouts like a child and roll his eyes. “A date with your ex.” He was teasing her. “Of course not.” He throws him an i-got-you smile. He likes teasing her and he likes it when she’s losing her patience.

“Julian!!!”

“Of course I’m kidding.” Then before she settles on her chair again – calm and okay, he added, “Half-kidding!”. He smiles again. Almost laughing. The i-got-you-again smile. It’s because he can’t dare to lie. Of course it’s not okay. It’s been a year already and honestly he wasn’t sure what’s Lucas’ business anymore. They are still friends, a close one. But things have changed and he’s not sure whether it’ll be good to let them talk again. Let alone a private one. They hang a lot yes, but it’s always the three of them plus a bucket of awkwardness.

“I honestly think I don’t need to have this “talk” with him anymore. But I guess I have to grant him this one last time. Plus, I know he’s gonna ask you about this tomorrow when you pick him up also. So c’mon!”

“I know. I know.” The funny Julian disappeared. He looked straightly on the road and took¬†some time to think for a second. “I just hope that you won’t think like we’re passing you just like a baton. Like who gets who, or whatever. He loved you and I love you. You know that I love you right?” He wasn’t sure why he asked. Maybe just like other people out there, at some point he was just a normal one. And normal people always need¬†an assurance.

She reach his hands on top of the gear and she smile at him. “Always.”

“And we’re still dating right?” He laughs hard because Giani slaps his hand and roll her eyes at him. He laughs harder because Giani gets his¬†joke.

Personal Rants

“Are you really sick?”

I half-laughed, forced the French Fries¬†that I’m savoring down my throat and point at myself. “You don’t believe me?”

“Nope” Straightly.

I’m not prepared to explain to people right now. Can’t people take a break whenever they just want to. I am entitled to. And I’m just practicing my rights. “I filed a leave because I needed a day to read the new book I bought.”

“You’re crazy.” He continue stuffing his face with the remaining fries on his plate and when he’s done with a big gulp of coke, he looked straight at my eyes. “So are you okay now?”

I stopped. Then I lower my head and I started picking anything at the table. I crumpled the napkins next to my reach¬†and take a big sip on my drink. “I am okay.” I wished I sounded more brave or more casual or funnier.

“So c’mon. Tell me. What does it do to you to read a hundred books a year and spend your most precious leave credits just to read a book?” He’s not taking his eyes off me and he sounds urgent, serious and with authority. “I will only accept poetry-type quotable-qoute answer. ”

At this rare moments of my life, why does he have to ask me things that I’m not prepared to answer. He wasn’t aware, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t have a clue of what I’m currently been these¬†past days. If I could scream right in front him so I could remove this big lump in my throat right now, if I could sob like a 3-year-old like I do under my blankets, I will. Why do we have to be in McDonalds right now.

“I won’t make fun of it. I swear. Or. Laugh.” He added. He must’ve noticed my expression. And he suddenly move his hands next to mine that I was almost thinking he’d hold mine. Only to realize he’s reaching for a napkin.

“I’m taking it back.”

He mumbles on his mouth asking me what it is that I’m taking back.

“When I said I’m okay. I’m taking it back. I’m not.” And tears started rolling down my eyes. Like a lot. And we’re in McDonalds. And he looked shocked. “Reading a book gives me an authorization to feel some rare emotions I’ve held on too much. It makes me feel – ” I stopped and sniff. I didn’t dare look up. My tears soaked my fries and I looked pathetic. “Reading makes me feel alive. It makes me feel real. So I’m sorry If I lied about being sick yesterday. It wasn’t actually my plan. I just thought I needed a break. I just thought I needed to be okay somehow. I’m sorry I’m not okay.” And I’m sobbing hard right there on the corner of all the people enjoying their Big Macs and¬†French Fries

SongLists

Who you are

WHO YOU ARE
Jessie J
I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
No, no, no, no, no…
Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
(Who you are) [x11]
Brushing my hair-do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mould, yeah!
The more I try the less it’s working, yeah
‘Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no, no, no no… yeah.
Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
But tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
There’s nothing wrong with who you are!
Yes, no, egos, fake shows, like whoa!
Just go and leave me alone!
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,
With a smile that’s my home!
That’s my home, no…
No, no, no, no, no, no, no…
Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay…
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Yeah yeah yeah